George, I learnt my magnetics theory about 25 years ago (as part of an elec eng degree here in the UK), it was all mainstream SI units and that is all I've ever used since. Maybe that is why I don't recognize some of your equations - for example the force equation you quote. It may well be correct, but is it practical (in the same way as the Biot-Savart law is fundamental in describing the relationship between magnetizing force and current in a conductor, but only really used to derive more practical equations).
The number one point to understand in magnetics is that it is always based on circuits. Flux lines always form closed paths; I'm sure you know this but it is vital. That is probably why electrical engineers don't have a problem with magnetics, they are used to thinking of circuits.
From your latest description it sounds as though you have a piece of free-moving iron that you want to impart a force on. This does make it a more difficult to calculate. Imagine that you have two large iron pole pieces facing each other, forming part of a magnetic circuit and magnetic flux passing across the airgap between them. If you introduce a piece of iron into the airgap, no force will be imparted on this piece! There will be an attractive force between the two opposite pole faces, as described by the equation I quoted earlier, but assuming they are fixed then nothing will move including the iron piece (except due to gravity of course). The reason it won't feel a force is because its motion will not change the stored energy in the magnetic circuit - that's the fundamental physics answer, a more practical way of looking at it is that it will only be forced to move if its new position reduces the total reluctance of the magnetic circuit (remember that reluctance is proportional to airgap length). In effect you have two airgaps - one either side of the iron piece, if one closes then the other is opening, net result is no movement. Incidentally, this even holds true if the free-iron piece is a permanent magnet (although there will be a rotational force trying to align its direction of magnetization with the main field).
So you need to think about how you can arrange the geometry of your electromagnet so that for the manner in which you want the iron piece to move (or at least feel a force) it acts to try and close the magnetic circuit by reducing the total length of all the airgaps in series in the magnetic circuit, i.e. reduce the total reluctance of the circuit. For example the fixed poles of the electromagnet should be side-by-side rather than facing each other, so that both airgaps close at the same time. I hope I haven't made that sound more complicated than it really is.
One other incidental point, yes it does matter what the material in the airgap is. But in reality, provided all the components are appropriately sized (to avoid magnetic saturation), for most purposes there are only two types of material in magnetic circuits - non-magnetic (including air) and magnetic (including iron and ferrite). The former has high reluctance, the latter very low reluctance (often treated as zero). Total reluctance of the magnetic circuit is given by the algebraic sum of all the reluctances in series, so airgaps matter!
To reiterate, total flux is related to ampere-turns (mmf) by the equation:
flux = mmf/reluctance.