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Is this letter of motivation ok for scholarship in MS program?
2

Is this letter of motivation ok for scholarship in MS program?

Is this letter of motivation ok for scholarship in MS program?

(OP)
Dear Ms. .....,
I am applying for Scholarship in MS course in Management Consulting, which will be started in 2010 in [name of institute]. Let me express about my background and reasons why I have opted to take this course.

When young, I was very curious to know what happens in the huge refineries and petrochemicals and how they convert crude oil into petrol or diesel. My curiosities were solved up to an extent when I studied Chemical Engineering at Petroleum University of Technology, Ahwaz. In the collage, my affection towards this field further enhanced. As my graduation was completed at Ahwaz, I got job at the prestigious Bandar Imam Petrochemical Co. at Bandar Imam. In BIPC complex, I could get experience in various fields namely operation, conceptualization of new projects, awarding of contracts, basic engineering, detailed engineering and site construction work. Later on, I participated in a MS program in Construction Management in [name of institute].

I want to strengthen my knowledge in the field of management and hence applied for the post graduation course in [name of institute]. I still feel that there is more scope of knowing details on topics like managing a company, solving managerial challenges in ever-changing economic environment, strategic management, intercultural challenges in human resource management, and improving productivity of workforce.

While doing the course I will be meeting students from various countries and discipline and it will give me a chance to develop knowledge like presentation skills, working in team, adjusting with unlike human behavior, negotiation skills, analyzing problems, etc.

Hope I will be selected for admission in MS course and will be able to increase my knowledge on professional as well as personal ground.

RE: Is this letter of motivation ok for scholarship in MS program?

Is this in the USA?

Tobalcane
"If you avoid failure, you also avoid success."  

RE: Is this letter of motivation ok for scholarship in MS program?

(OP)
Twoballcane,
No. it is in Europe.

RE: Is this letter of motivation ok for scholarship in MS program?

Davood,

There are numerous expressions within the letter which mark you out as somebody who learnt their English outside Europe and the US - but this is probably not a bad thing.  The letter is easy to read and gives the clear impression that:

a.  You wrote it yourself and

b.  Communicating in English is not going to be a problem for you

The typo in the second paragraph ("collage", instead of "college") might make them smile a bit.

The core message (your motivation, which I think starts in the third paragraph) comes across to me as rather weak.  It looks a bit like "I kind of want to strengthen my knowledge in <list of everything the prospectus said the course would teach>".  Unfortunately, most students could say that with honesty, so it doesn't make you stand out as a particulary deserving candidate for a scholarship.

If I received this letter, I'd start wondering:

a.  Why has this candidate chosen to do a Management Consulting course, rather than an MBA - which might be seen as a more normal route for somebody who has been doing well in a large organisation?  Is there a reason why they're so eloquent about their fascination for the engineering, and yet so "read straight from the book" about management?  Are they doing this out of genuine excitement or out of duty?

b.  What does this candidate want to do with themselves after they've completed the course?  If this is the pivot for a substantial change in career direction, then what is the motivation?  ("Changes nothing", or "Need to change because I'm tired of what I'm doing" won't earn a scholarship; "Here are all these things I'm burning to get stuck into, if only I had the right qualification" might.)

c.  What makes this candidate particularly deserving?  Are they an outstandingly high performer?  Do they have an outstanding vision for what they're going to do with what they learn?

d.  How closely do the things which drive the candidate align with the reasons my institution is offering the scholarship?  (Is the scholarship there to reward the outstandingly clever, to lift the poor out of poverty, or to position somebody to make the World a different and better place?).

Without saying it in so many words, I think you need to be giving the selection panel grounds to believe that, at a dinner party in ten years time, they'll be able to boast that they "gave Davood Hayati a scholarship ten years ago" - in the expectation that the listener will know who they're talking about, and see it as a good thing.

Good luck.

A.

RE: Is this letter of motivation ok for scholarship in MS program?

Just a few suggestions for grammar.

In the college, my affection towards this field was further enhanced.

I was employed got job at the prestigious Bandar Imam Petrochemical Co. at Bandar Imam.

"Art without engineering is dreaming; Engineering without art is calculating."

Have you read FAQ731-376: Eng-Tips.com Forum Policies to make the best use of these Forums?

RE: Is this letter of motivation ok for scholarship in MS program?

(OP)
Dear Zeusfaber,
Thanks a lot for your valuable comments. I see that you have paid a lot of time to help me. I read your comments two times and i will try to change my letter and use your valuable comments.

Dear MadMango,
Thank you for your grammatical correction. I will change it.

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