Things you wish you could say to your work colleagues.
15

Question

Things you wish you could say to your work colleagues.

3

GrahamBennett (Materials)

(OP)

9 Nov 07 05:29

The following was sent to me the other day and I thought I would share some of the contents with you on this forum.

1.  I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
2.  I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3.  How about never?  Is never good for you?
4.  I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5.  I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6.  Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7.  I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8.  I don’t work here.  I’m a consultant.
9.  It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. Ahhh!  I see the f*** up fairy has visited again.
11. I like you.  You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you.  We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I?  Flypaper for freaks?
20. I’m not being rude.  You’re just insignificant.

xwb (Computer) · Answer 1 · 2007-11-09 07:58:40

Which part of "I don't know" don't you understand?

Actually, I do say that to my work collegues sometimes.

SnTMan (Mechanical) · Answer 2 · 2007-11-09 08:39:09

Why can't you cut the crap and just do your damn job? :)

jistre (Mechanical) · Answer 3 · 2007-11-09 08:40:40

RE: Things you wish you could say to your work colleagues.

jistre (Mechanical) 9 Nov 07 08:40

Quit struggling. You'll just die tired.

TheTick (Mechanical) · Answer 4 · 2007-11-09 09:21:18

Quote:
"You pay me to tell you what is and isn't possible. Now you're angry with me for doing my job?"

SomptingGuy (Automotive) · Answer 5 · 2007-11-09 09:59:02

Winning an argument with me is pointless. Take it up with someone who (a) cares and (b) can change things.

prohammy (Mechanical) · Answer 6 · 2007-11-09 11:28:24

I'm only here coz I look pretty, without this sort of eye candy all of you would have a really cra&&y day

Kevin

“It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class." ~Author Unknown

"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." ~Author Unknown

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 7 · 2007-11-09 12:12:18

So much more polite than what I'd like to say to some of my colleagues.

Tick, been there.

"Just wait a moment while I have a word with God to see if he'll change the fundamental laws of physics"

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

msquared48 (Structural) · Answer 8 · 2007-11-09 12:13:14

Who died and put you in charge?

The codes are merely a minimum standard of performance. So are you.

Where did you learn English, let alone Engineering?

Mike McCann
McCann Engineering

vpl (Nuclear) · Answer 9 · 2007-11-09 13:00:50

I actually had a supervisor use the OP's #16 on a colleague. The colleague thought he had been complimented.

Patricia Lougheed

Please see FAQ731-376: Eng-Tips.com Forum Policies for tips on how to make the best use of the Eng-Tips Forums.

ivymike (Mechanical) · Answer 10 · 2007-11-09 13:24:17

Do we work at the same company? I thought I'd been complimented. The upper-level manager who said that still says "hi" to me (w/name) if we pass in the hallway.

vpl (Nuclear) · Answer 11 · 2007-11-09 13:49:58

ivymike, I know we don't work in the same company, but maybe our respective management used the same training consultant.

I have had an upper level manager tell me that my standards were too high though. I [b]did[/d] take that as a compliment.

Patricia Lougheed

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KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 12 · 2007-11-09 13:57:29

Most insults from senior management seem like complements to down in the trenches engineers.

That's why we're still in the trenches

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

casseopeia (Structural) · Answer 13 · 2007-11-09 20:56:52

21. I hadn't realized we actually filled the position of princess.

"If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance!"

SomptingGuy (Automotive) · Answer 14 · 2007-11-12 03:03:38

Do you really want a solution or would you rather have a problem to whine about?

corus (Mechanical) · Answer 15 · 2007-11-12 03:25:31

"I hope that's the job section of the newspaper you're reading" - Manager to colleague.

corus

GregLocock (Automotive) · Answer 16 · 2007-11-12 06:57:52

I can't believe that one. Even I wouldn't use it.

Cheers

Greg Locock

Please see FAQ731-376: Eng-Tips.com Forum Policies for tips on how to make the best use of Eng-Tips.

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 17 · 2007-11-13 12:24:02

Oh go on Greg, you know you would

.

I think I heard a similar one at my last place, can't recal if he actually said it to the guy or behind his back though.

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

rb1957 (Aerospace) · Answer 18 · 2007-11-13 13:12:21

if you were quick enough the comeback would be ...

"yes, it is ... i see your job is here"

btrueblood (Mechanical) · Answer 19 · 2007-11-13 13:14:56

Star for GB's #6. Star for Cassy, and a star for Tick also (but that sounds like something I once wrote...;)

I'd get fired via the boss' daughter for #6 or #21, but boy would I like to say them.

DarthSoilsGuy (Geotechnical) · Answer 20 · 2007-11-13 13:47:38

i suppose building it per plans would be an acceptable alternative.

JMirisola (Mechanical) · Answer 21 · 2007-11-14 12:48:08

•If everyone would just do things my way, there wouldn't be any problems.

•Thank you for helping us meet our ADA (American's with Disabilities Act) requirements.

•Do you really think your opinion matters?

•Were your parents related?

•People like you, who think they know everything, really annoy people like me, who do.

Jeff Mirisola, CSWP
http://designsmarter.typepad.com/jeffs_blog
Dell M90, Core2 Duo
4GB RAM
Nvidia 3500M

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 22 · 2007-11-14 12:59:08

Who the $%*@ did you sleep* with to get this job?

(* or similar, typically more vulgar sexual act)

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 23 · 2007-11-14 20:37:52

I almost wish you hadn't posted these now, I'm having to try really hard not to use any of them on my manager.

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

jmw (Industrial) · Answer 24 · 2007-11-16 06:07:24

"Goodbye and good luck in our new career. It's been an nice working with you."
(Wait till you see what I wrote on your card).
I ache to be able to say that to some of the back-stabbing, brown-nosed, sociopaths I've had the misfortune to work with, just the one or two so far but that's one or two too many.

Sadly, however, these people also have skins like a rhinoceros and have no perception of even gross insults let alone subtlety and even more regrettably, they invariably do seem to do well for themselves, or would do if they had the decency to go.

JMW
www.ViscoAnalyser.com

europipe (Chemical) · Answer 25 · 2007-11-16 06:42:31

We don’t know how to manage without you, but from now on we’re gonna try.

Ashereng (Petroleum) · Answer 26 · 2007-11-16 14:28:31

What part of "No" are you having trouble with?

I told you so!

"Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater."
Albert Einstein
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DarthSoilsGuy (Geotechnical) · Answer 27 · 2007-11-16 15:02:01

RE: Things you wish you could say to your work colleagues.

DarthSoilsGuy (Geotechnical) 16 Nov 07 15:02

have you switched crack dealers recently?

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 28 · 2007-11-16 15:06:10

Darth, that sound's like someting my wife would say.

How about:

You single hanedly lower the IQ of this company by several points.

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 29 · 2007-11-16 15:06:55

that should be 'average IQ'

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

JMirisola (Mechanical) · Answer 30 · 2007-11-16 15:29:46

Kenat,
I guess you should have checked before you posted. poke

Jeff Mirisola, CSWP
http://designsmarter.typepad.com/jeffs_blog
Dell M90, Core2 Duo
4GB RAM
Nvidia 3500M

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 31 · 2007-11-16 15:37:19

tell me about it, heck I said I was the least qualified...

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

SomptingGuy (Automotive) · Answer 32 · 2007-11-19 08:53:12

It must feel really good knowing that you have reached your peak in life at such an early age.

xgrigorix (Specifier/Regulator) · Answer 33 · 2007-11-19 10:35:14

I don't need you to work miracles, I just need you to do your job.

fcsuper (Mechanical) · Answer 34 · 2007-11-19 11:20:53

I did say this once, "Leave my area now!"

Matt Lorono
CAD Engineer/ECN Analyst
Silicon Valley, CA
Lorono's SolidWorks Resources
Co-moderator of Solidworks Yahoo! Group
and Mechnical.Engineering Yahoo! Group

DarthSoilsGuy (Geotechnical) · Answer 35 · 2007-11-19 11:34:33

Timesheet Protocol for working on my projects:

1. Write down number of hours worked on project
2. Divide by 3
3. Bill time to project
4. Bill remainder to F@@@ing Off

Gymmeh (Mechanical) · Answer 36 · 2007-11-19 15:32:05

its my job to be the new guy that F@%K'5 EVERYTHING UP!, and YOUR supposed to be the guy with 15 yrs experiance that lectures ME on what ANSI says, STOP DOING MY JOB!!!

"The codes are merely a minimum standard of performance. So are you." - msquard

I actually used the first part of that... i bit my tung for the rest! thanks m^2!

Rjeffery (Civil/Environmental) · Answer 37 · 2007-11-20 20:23:11

RE: Things you wish you could say to your work colleagues.

Rjeffery (Civil/Environmental) 20 Nov 07 20:23

Lead me! Don't (micro or nano)-manage me!

adastra (Aerospace) · Answer 38 · 2007-11-21 12:59:46

"However tempting it may be to argue with you, I won't. You'll just drag it down to your level of incompetence, where your experience is overwhelming."

MarauderX (Mechanical) · Answer 39 · 2007-11-21 13:04:15

"I see you have reached rock-bottom... and have begun to dig."

"I wouldn't say we WORK together; I work, he tends to oversee the solitaire statistical success rate"

www.eypmcf.com

MintJulep (Mechanical) · Answer 40 · 2007-12-06 14:58:14

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that you are an artist.

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 41 · 2007-12-06 15:11:01

"Because it says so in the company Design Room Manual that was agreed to by representatives of every department"

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

Rjeffery (Civil/Environmental) · Answer 42 · 2007-12-06 15:23:40

RE: Things you wish you could say to your work colleagues.

Rjeffery (Civil/Environmental) 6 Dec 07 15:23

It can't be wrong, YOU told me to do it that way!!!

Stl63 (Structural) · Answer 43 · 2007-12-08 22:42:41

"Just check the the stuff that's wrong, and get it out the door."

snowfire (Mechanical) · Answer 44 · 2007-12-09 03:31:18

RE: Things you wish you could say to your work colleagues.

snowfire (Mechanical) 9 Dec 07 03:31

HaHa, I do what you say.

Forever Young

GTstartup (Electrical) · Answer 45 · 2007-12-12 12:47:19

You're hardly ever right but this time you're wrong.

Casimo5 (Chemical) · Answer 46 · 2007-12-19 15:22:23

Why don't you go outside and play a game of hide-and-go-f#%k-yourself!

MadMango (Mechanical) · Answer 47 · 2007-12-19 19:33:22

Why am I telling YOU how to do YOUR job?

That's great, why don't you tell someone that can [insert response].
a- actually do something about it
b- gives a damn
c- understand what the hell you're talking about

You're an idiot, I'm done with you.

"Art without engineering is dreaming; Engineering without art is calculating."

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SomptingGuy (Automotive) · Answer 48 · 2007-12-20 11:08:09

(particularly relevant this week)

Can I buy you some soap? Or a new shirt?

Gymmeh (Mechanical) · Answer 49 · 2007-12-20 13:28:37

Will this be the 10th or 11th time you have been fired for being a F#$%-^P?

apsix (Structural) · Answer 50 · 2007-12-21 00:55:49

RE: Things you wish you could say to your work colleagues.

apsix (Structural) 21 Dec 07 00:55

I've won the big one, I'm out of here.

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 51 · 2007-12-21 12:03:28

"As it's virtually Christmas Eve the Boss says we can all leave at lunch time, Merry Christmas. Oh nearly forgot, there'll be Christmas bonus in your checks too."

(24th is a holiday for us)

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

SomptingGuy (Automotive) · Answer 52 · 2007-12-21 12:16:02

... we had that last year. Regular staff had to make up the time (Flexi-time). Managers just got to go home. How's that for morale?

rerig (Aerospace) · Answer 53 · 2007-12-21 14:32:03

RE: Things you wish you could say to your work colleagues.

rerig (Aerospace) 21 Dec 07 14:32

The beatings will continue until morale improves

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 54 · 2007-12-21 14:34:19

"Hey guys, did you hear, they've decided not to double the healthcare costs after all"

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

craneman20 (Petroleum) · Answer 55 · 2007-12-22 15:17:46

I refuse to enter into a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

vc66 (Mechanical) · Answer 56 · 2007-12-26 10:28:07

Haha KENAT, I believe you and I might work at the same company on different coasts.

Me: "Hey (enter boss's name here). What did the Five fingers say to the face?"

Boss: "I don't know, what?"

Me: "SLAP!" (proceed to crack your boss upside the head)

V

Mechanical Engineer
"When I am working on a problem, I do not think of beauty, but when I've finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong."

- R. Buckminster Fuller

Pipeline1972 (Mechanical) · Answer 57 · 2008-01-07 19:56:04

"When was the last time YOU got laid?"

so many grumpy men here... cannon

Process - Piping

tom1953 (Chemical) · Answer 58 · 2008-01-16 08:29:18

People who think they know everything are really annoying to those of us that do.
tom

subtech (Electrical) · Answer 59 · 2008-01-27 09:17:09

"I don't know who you think you are, but allow me to educate you..."

"Kindly remove yourself from my office and cleanse the excrement from where your brains should be. When you return, we'll start over."

swearingen (Civil/Environmental) · Answer 60 · 2008-01-28 13:47:40

"You might want to wipe your mouth. You still have a little bit of bull%^&* at the corner, there."

It's funny when I use that one - people actually reach for the corner of their mouths...

If you "heard" it on the internet, it's guilty until proven innocent. - DCS

DWHA (Structural) · Answer 61 · 2008-02-01 17:45:49

Would like to say to architechs

"Now that I have fixed all of your problems, can I start working on my own."

Gymmeh (Mechanical) · Answer 62 · 2008-02-04 08:51:36

Funny one from last week...

"Wow that a nice design for a bird house!" the machinist.
"No thats John's wonderful design...(for a crane)" Very annoyed Boss.

GonzaloEE (Electrical) · Answer 63 · 2008-02-06 14:20:19

If I were your resumé, I'd drop myself into the toilet :)

rheim (Structural) · Answer 64 · 2008-02-15 03:14:27

As an outsider, what do you think about intelligence?

csd72 (Structural) · Answer 65 · 2008-02-20 12:34:45

What did I ever say to give you the impression that I give a s@%* what you think.

rtmote (Structural) · Answer 66 · 2008-03-08 23:13:15

When my fukkit factor is under control its:
Thanks for playing, you've been great, now go and have a nice life.

When my fukkit factor is exceeded I'm in the pub next door thinking about everything.

GonzaloEE (Electrical) · Answer 67 · 2008-03-10 12:59:51

Rather than colleages, this is for customers :)

"Is that your budget?...please give me back that coffee cup, I'm going to show you the door"

csd72 (Structural) · Answer 68 · 2008-03-10 23:27:21

One that I made up in the car (yes I was bored and in traffic):

"Are you devoid of an a%@#!*le, because at least that would explain why you are so full of sh@$!"

SomptingGuy (Automotive) · Answer 69 · 2008-03-11 05:49:03

csd72, Did you give that one a test airing to fellow drivers?

- Steve

Walter349 (Military) · Answer 70 · 2008-03-15 03:46:42

A phrase I occasionally need to use is 'What part of NO! is failing to be communicated here'

GonzaloEE (Electrical) · Answer 71 · 2008-03-16 01:46:51

These are more for dealing with providers:

- Start payment or Start punishment?
- Are those your delivery times? Who will deliver the project? your grandson?
- Ok Santa, then I'll wait for Christmas to get my project done!
- Yeah, you're a 'great Company'...Are you listed in NASDAQ?
- Who am I talking with? Project Manager or toilet Manager?
- As a foreign provider..you're a great ambassador of your country's work ethic!
- 3 weeks for debugging code?! Do you enjoy debugging code?
- Dude, How many days have your calendar?
- Nice website for such a h/w designer...Have you considered designing websites instead of h/w?

That's all.

NCCGRAD (Mechanical) · Answer 72 · 2008-03-17 13:36:09

"... I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems as though you have caught a case of HMRS. (Half-Mild Retard Syndrome)...and yes that is a forth. I use that one all the time...

~~Joe

abeltio (Mechanical) · Answer 73 · 2008-03-25 03:29:26

Gotta be careful with #11, perfect comeback is: Oh, pity you are not young now.

saludos.
a.

CanCad1 (Mechanical) · Answer 74 · 2008-04-08 12:14:04

Old timers often use this annoying saying when presented with a better solution or idea than theirs:

"Been there, Done that!"

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 75 · 2008-04-08 12:24:25

Guess that makes me an old timer.

"Why do you insist on re-inventing the wheel everytime?"

Used when cocky know nothing youngsters insist on trying some new idea or concept (which usually isn't new, just previously disproved or at least found to be less suitable) rather than sticking with the tried and true solution.

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

SomptingGuy (Automotive) · Answer 76 · 2008-04-08 12:53:49

I'm an old-timer too, but I still like to describe a problem to the newbies rather than prescribe the solution they must implement. The worst scenario is that they learn something from you. The best is that you learn something from them. Or is that the wrong way around?

- Steve

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 77 · 2008-04-08 13:29:47

Time and place. There's a time & place for that approach Sompting, I try and use it whenever I can.

However, when there's a critical schedule and you just need something done in the most time efficient manor, or maybe there's a set procedure for how to do certain tasks etc. then just do it the way I (or whichever actual senior staff member) said.

BTW, I don't consider myself anything like an old timer, don't see less than 10 years in industry as an old tmer.

On topic:

"It's the CAD system we've got, we've managed to design our largest/most complex tool on it, so get on and use it to make your much simpler instrument and quit complaining."

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

jmw (Industrial) · Answer 78 · 2008-04-12 16:54:23

"I hope you can take criticism, you must be used to it by now."

JMW
www.ViscoAnalyser.com

abeltio (Mechanical) · Answer 79 · 2008-04-14 18:16:11

Considering that half of your report does not mention what's happening and the other half is pure fluff, we can conclude that your report does not exist.

saludos.
a.

GonzaloEE (Electrical) · Answer 80 · 2008-04-24 19:46:05

How does it feel to be on the left side of the bell curve...of IQ?

KENAT (Mechanical) · Answer 81 · 2008-04-24 23:31:37

"How about instead of spending money on new couches for the lobby & department rest area; new cubical partitions; refurbishing the kitchen/breakroom/coffee bar; department BBQ etc. we spend it on a/some new computer(s) so we can actually run the models of our entire system?"

Actually a colleague & I did say something like that to my manager last week, he didn't appreciate it for some reason!

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

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Things you wish you could say to your work colleagues. 15