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Easy English
3

Easy English

Easy English

2
(OP)
I cannot claim Credit for this, but makes interesting reading


You Think English is Easy???


Read to the end...a new twist to an oldie
 


Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
 
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visib le, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
 





 





There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line! UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized! dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with! a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so........... Time to shut UP.....!

 

Oh....one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

RE: Easy English

What is an "English muffin"?

- Steve

RE: Easy English

Delicious of course, but it's a matter of taste.

RE: Easy English

"What is an "English muffin?"

Something that's blocked by my web filter at work.

RE: Easy English

I wasn't being serious.  I've always been amused about the name, since you'd never see one in England, where the name is meaningless to most.

- Steve

RE: Easy English

Strange one that.  We have them in Oz, but I prefer crumpets.

RE: Easy English

Scones are my favorite.

Believe it if you need it or leave it if you dare. - Robert Hunter
 

RE: Easy English

I do like a bit of hot crumpet myself.

- Steve

RE: Easy English

I'm not allowed hot crumpet, I can look but not touch and then only if I don't drool or look too interested.
(The significant other wouldn't like it.)

JMW
www.ViscoAnalyser.com
 

RE: Easy English

If you play with GUIs using Microsoft tools, sooner or later you will come across EMUs - "English Metric Units".

There are 3600 EMUs in 1mm.

RE: Easy English

I love a bit of hot crumpet.

Agree on the English Muffin thing, I'd seen them in England but not particulary common, and I can't recal what they were called there.

Pudding.

In English English it has so many meanings that I'm still trying to explain them all to my US wife & kid.  Black Pudding is blood sausage.  White Pudding & Hogs Pudding are both types of sausage.  Dessert is commonly known as pudding.  Spotted Dick, Jam Rolly Polly etc are all steamed puddings.  One can be in a pudding if in trouble.  Sure I missed some.

However some from the OP were a bit lame.  Eggplan is eggplan because its fruit is egg shaped.  It's also been known as bread fruit if my history serves.

Hamburgers are named after their supposed town of invention, Hamburg (or they were invented by immigrants from Hamburg or something like that).

Guinnea Pig.  http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=Guinea%20pig  the pig part is because they were kept for food.

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

RE: Easy English

When Yanks talk about English Muffins, they are not "talkin' 'bout da bread matey"...

Mike McCann
MMC Engineering

RE: Easy English

EnglishMuffin is a member of eng-tips, active in the past but not showing up now a days, don't know why.

I am comfortable with brinjal like any other Indian. Is egg plant bearing an egg plant a circular reference error?

RE: Easy English

"Pudding.

In English English it has so many meanings that I'm still trying to explain them all to my US wife & kid.  Black Pudding is blood sausage.  White Pudding & Hogs Pudding are both types of sausage.  Dessert is commonly known as pudding.  Spotted Dick, Jam Rolly Polly etc are all steamed puddings.  One can be in a pudding if in trouble.  Sure I missed some."

In the pudding club (pregnant)

RE: Easy English

How come nobody mentioned Fanny, British meaning vs USA?
This could be an Elephant in the room
: ]

RE: Easy English

limey, cause that leads to discussions about whether going outside to smoke a fag is acceptable.  Or indeed if consuming faggots is appropriate.

KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...

RE: Easy English

... or tossing fag butts.
 

- Steve

RE: Easy English

One realizes how messed up our language is when trying to teach your kid to spell.
No honey, this word has a silent e on the end.
C and S make the same sounds. C and K also make the same sounds.
She has a lot of trouble trying to figure out when to use which letter.

Then there is all the different ways to make a letter... Besides upper and lower case. You've got some with "tails", sometimes they've got extra lines, sometimes a lower-case L looks like this "l". That looks like a 1 too...
A zero "0" looks like an "O"...
And on and on...

Many words in the english language are "imported" though... so you can't blame us on all of it...
"Pizza". Why isn't it peetsa?

The comedian, Galhagger does a whole routine on this subject. Hilarious!
 

David

RE: Easy English

It is a curious thing that some topics recur with some regularity on this site and having recalled this particular subject having arisen before, I posted the link to the thread as being the simplest way to refresh the comments without ahving to post all over again.

That reminded me of a story about a guy who was recommended by his friend to de-stress in a monastery.
I think we are all familiar with this as an modern solution to the stresses life. In any event the friend offered to take him along on his next visit. This sounding relatively innocuous, (compared to colonic irrigation, mud saunas etc.) he decided to go.
They arrived at supper time and were shown into the refectory.
He was surprised how quite it was and asked his friend who explained that this particular order of moinks had taken a vow of silence.
"What? they never speak?"
"Well not quite never, they of course can pray and sing but never idel chatter except about once or twice a year at evening meal when they can talk amongst themselves."
"As a matter of fact, this evening is to be one of those occasions and once the dishes are cleared, they will be given permission."
A silent meal followed and at the end, when the dishes were cleared the tension and excitement were tangible.

The Abbot gave the nod and one of the monks, quick as a flash said "Three hundred and two."
This was greeted with loud laughter.
Another monk said "One thousand and three." and the response was even louder laughter.
The guest was dumbfounded and turned to his friend and, amidst renewed laughter at yet another monk saying a number, asked hsi friend whatever was going on.
"Oh," siad his friend,"when they get the chance to speak, they just love telling jokes. Because they only get one or two chances a year to ell jokes they simply assign the jokes numbers and that way they can get through a lot of jokes in the time available. I mean, on shagy dog story and that's their lot otherwise."
"Oh, now I understand." said the guest.
"Why don't you have a try?" suggested his friend.
"But I don't know what the numbers are for any jokes."
"That doesn't matter," said his friend, "they do so just think of a number."
Out aloud the guest called out "Five hundred and thirty seven."
There was silence.
"What's the matter with them?" he asked his friend anxiously. "Why didn't they laugh?"
"Oh," said his friend casually, "they've heard that one before."

JMW
www.ViscoAnalyser.com
 

RE: Easy English

Quote:

One realizes how messed up our language is when trying to teach your kid to spell.
No honey, this word has a silent e on the end.
C and S make the same sounds. C and K also make the same sounds.

Tell me about it, my daughter taught herself to read by memorizing works (the way most people actually read) but never bothered with phonics. I decided to spend some time teaching her phonics, and I can't hardly find three words in a row that are spelt phonetically (which, I feel is spelled that way, just for the irony).

RE: Easy English

A silent "p".  As in "bath".

- Steve

RE: Easy English


Is that as opposed to the very audible "p". As in "bucket"?

Trevor Clarke. (R & D) Scientific Instruments.Somerset. UK

SW2007x64 SP3.0 Pentium P4 3.6Ghz, 4Gb Ram ATI FireGL V7100 Driver: 8.323.0.0
SW2007x32 SP4.0 Pentium P4 3.6Ghz, 2Gb Ram NVIDIA Quadro FX 500 Driver: 6.14.10.7756
 

RE: Easy English

I recently got cross when my daughter, who is learning to read, was sent home with some phonetic homework, but with no explaination as to how they wanted various sounds pronounced. "ie"? What like in "pie" or in "piece"?
The teachers couldn't understand why I felt they should have sent some instructions. I didn't want to teach her the wrong thing. I remember getting to primary school and knowing my alphabet (Ay, bee, cee) and wondering what the hell was going on when everyone else started reciting it (ah, buh, kuh...)

(Mind you,and moving slightly off topic, it was better than my attempts at teaching "the time": "Right dear, this is a clock. There are 24 hours in a day. Yes this goes up to 12. It goes round two times in one day. No I don't know why.
Right this hand tells the hour, 1,2,3, all the way to 12.
This one tells the minutes: 5, 10, 15....
...yes I know they say 1,2,3 but in this case its 5, 10, 15.
Except 3, or 15 if you'd like, means a quarter.
No really.
And this is a 6, or a 30, or even a half.
No it's easy. Keep concentrating.
And this is 9. Or 45. Or three-quarters. Or sometimes it's a quarter.
Yes a bit like 3 is a quarter....or 15.
No 9 is never 15, it's 45. Or three-quarters...
Why are you looking at me like that..?)

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go past." Douglas Adams

RE: Easy English

Excellent Rob, that had me in stitches for some time, I remember doing that very thing, he he

RE: Easy English

Yeah, my 9-year-old can't seem to correlate what's on my (LED) digital clock with what's on my analogue (though still digital underneath!).

I blame her mother.  She hordes miniature clocks that don't work.  There is no working clock with hands anywhere in that house.

- Steve

RE: Easy English

Ah, remember Steve:

A clock that does not work is more accurate than on that looses a second a day.


 

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