Marriage and Work!
Marriage and Work!
(OP)
We've all heard the joke engineers have a spouse and something on the side...so while they are occupied with eachother the engineer ducks back to the office to get some work done. How many of you engineers out there are going through some "significant other" problems? How many of you....know that even though some of the problems are personal....know for a fact that some of the problems are work....and too much of it?





RE: Marriage and Work!
End of story.
Of course, if you both are earners, well, now you're in a partnership, have a good time.
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RE: Marriage and Work!
I once told my wife "I am king of the castle", she promptly said "I accept that. You are king of the castle, but I am queen of the universe."
Yup, got myself a handful.
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My girlfriend is non-engineer. Fortunately, she is really patient.
http://NotOnlyBridges.blogspot.com
RE: Marriage and Work!
RE: Marriage and Work!
Then I married an engineer. Has made for some interesting times.
Won't say anymore, as I'm trying to get him hooked into eng-tips...
Patricia Lougheed
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I married a teacher. She teaches 5 year old kids. I am not sure what that says about me but, whatever it is, it is probably true!
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Sometimes I only open my mouth to swap feet...
RE: Marriage and Work!
other women engineers. Most I have found to have a very big
head considering how they are constantly surrounded by
males. Plus why would I want to spend my time competing
with a mirror image of myself?
I know there are engineer-engineer relationships that
seemingly work, so to each their own I suppose!
Principal - http://www.OnlineFEASolver.com
General FEA Consulting Services
RE: Marriage and Work!
+ Traveling
+ Work hours
+ Need to move in order to find work
+ Resentment toward me when I *assume* she doesn't know much about science and technology. Objectively, she doesn't but she gets mighty steamed when I "teach" her things without her asking.
It's about to switch from Engineer-Teacher to Nurse-Teacher since I've just been admitted to a master's program in nursing on my way to becoming a pediatric nurse practitioner or nurse anesthetist.
Nice to have the stability of a teacher's job to help us make ends meet while I go back to school.
I think the only significance of the large number of Engineer-Nurse and Engineer-Teacher couples are that the former is a predominantly male profession while the latter are predominantly female professions.
Engineers also don't have nearly the earning power nor career stability of physicians and pilots so they're more likely to be married to working women.
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I assumed it was "opposite", but it was explained to me that it was "complement". And so it has been.
I made a commitment to her that she is my equal partner in all affairs, even though I am by circumstance the sole breadwinner. This faith-based relationship has gotten us through ups and downs, including job losses, unexpected family deaths, and the birth of our disabled child. But NEVER any marital strife.
Money? Status? Drive the latest SUV? Phooey: it's all fluff. That approach to a relationship is shallow and deserving of pity. I'll trade it all any day for the warm, richly textured, supportive, exciting relationship that I have now.
A good relationship takes hard work, and lots of it. Better roll up your sleeves, buddy.
TygerDawg
Blue Technik LLC
Advanced Robotics & Automation Engineering
www.bluetechnik.com
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I personally enjoy being the one making less money. :)
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I stay in detention a lot too.
Any type of relationship is hard work...if it is a relationship worth keeping.
Brian
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The balance of family versus work is difficult these days. I think consulting engineering is one of the most brutal/high stress places to work.......so for those of you who are married to us driven, eccentric, often obsessive engineers.....be it male or female....my hat is off to you. I....and I'm sure many others.....take offence to those who say roll up your sleeves.....often it has nothing to do with that....I was born with no sleeves......work be it in a relationship or not..... is just part of our flux capacitor.....it is who we are.
There is good and bad will all kinds of relationships and I've always felt the key is the love and respect between two people is key. So comments regarding education and engineers being a good match could go either way I think......engineering .....long hours high stress....education...typically union...low hours and lots of vacations. So while the engineer is busting their buns.....the educator....is wanting to go on vacation....maybe it is a good match maybe it isn't....again everyone......this thread is not intended to find that secret recipe and compatability between people....but to help us all find that proper balance between work and spending time with people that matter most.
I believe on our death beds we aren't going to say "hey...I wish I would have worked that extra hour".....I think it will be more of I wish I would have spent more time with my loved ones and had fun with them.......but we still need to earn a living and I don't know about you....I love engineering.....I love everything about it.....if I were to take a university syllabus I would still land on the career that I now have. So what are some tricks that we can use to be more productive at work so that we can spend more time at home? Where is that secret ingredient and what seems to be working for some of you who are finding success?
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That wouldn't be worth it anyway, she understands not much of my work
Cyril Guichard
Railroad Sub-System Manager
Belgium
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I'm married for 10 years now. My wife is a qualified nursary nurse who has spent most of her working life taking care of and in general ehancing the lives of mentally handicapped adults (needless to say the jokes are very easy for my friends).
She is now studying for a degree in psychology and social science (again my friends are sniggering in the corner) and all the while I am the engineer in the family.
We are in may ways the opposite of each other. We tend to disagree on many subjects, politics, the future, the state of the planet today, the list is long. We do, however, openly talk about our differences and as the years have gone by our opinions have changed because of these differing viewpoints.
BUT, when it comes to what we consider the big issues in our lives (and these are private and usually ethical/moral) we do stand together. And this is where I believe that we have found strength.
Oh, and one last thing.....Work belongs at your place of work, and as much as possible should remain there. When that 5 o'clock bell rings and your feet hit the outside world, smile coz the troubles that are in there can stay in there 'til tomorrow (or as my boss once said, solve your work problems at work and don't let them dissolve your home life)
My $0.02 on life
Kevin
“Insanity in individuals is something rare, but in groups, parties, nations and epochs it is the rule” Nietzsche
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Nicely put......my philosophy has always been....First Things First......but not necessarily in that order....LOL.
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My wife brings loads of stuff home, but she doesn't have much choice in her job.
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Sometimes I only open my mouth to swap feet...
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It certainly helped when we moved from Ohio to Iowa for my new job. She was able to take a position at the local store and fit right in and feel a welcomed part of society in the new location.
We have friends that are in a similar situation. The husband is working here at the plant as one of about 10 engineers in charge of building a new cogen facility. She stays home with their only child. They also moved from another state to here. She can't stand it as she sits at home with a 2 1/2 year old that knows how to push her buttons.
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I'd say power struggles aren't career-related, just a general fact of being married. My friends all go through the same things that I do, even when they're in more traditional roles.
The biggest career-related marriage issue was when I tried to help him with junior college Algebra. He sucked at it, and I couldn't help mentioning that I learned Algebra in 7th grade. Then he mocked me for saying 'plug and chug' when using my calculator. However, I've since learned that I'm not such a smarty pants and there are a lot of things he can do better than me. Always be humble in marriage!
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Women - respect your husbands and
Men - love your wives.
Do that and you will build each other up regardless of who plugs and chugs.
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dirtguy4 said, "So what are some tricks that we can use to be more productive at work so that we can spend more time at home? Where is that secret ingredient and what seems to be working for some of you who are finding success?"
As far as secrets go... I guess you would have to ask my husband :).. but I am learning. I try to go in at seven instead of eight when I know I have a long day. On really busy days, I take a 1/2 hour lunch. I am just as tired as I would be, but at least I can be tired at home on the couch with him.
I take an hour lunch AWAY from the office every day I can. This is for me so that I am not a grouch when I am at home.
Lastly, I have just finished an office at home. This means that theoretically, I could get more work done at home. In reality... I get a lot done in 30-45 minutes b/c I don't have the office phones to deal with. After that... he starts trying to pull me away... and I love it.
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We are both divorced and our daughters (now 15) have gone to school together since pre-kindergarten. I did not know her, but when the girls were in the 4th grade they decided to fix us up. It's worked out great. We dated 4 years and have been married 2. My ex-wife has known her longer than I have, as has my daughter. Fortunatley we all get along.
I try to spend as much time at home as possible. I have now managed, fortunately, to work 1/2 time. When I work, I am gone, but when I am at home, I do not work except around the house, take the girls to school, go to school functions, softball practice, etc. But the best part is sitting around with my wife after the girls are off to school and drinking coffee and then maybe slipping of to a movie and there is no one in the theatre except us.
We have just enough time apart to miss each other allot and make the time at home like we're still dating.
Greg Lamberson, BS, MBA
Consultant - Upstream Energy
Website: www.oil-gas-consulting.com
RE: Marriage and Work!
Relationship with God
Spouse
Children
Other family
Work
Jobs come and go, but a wife should be unitl death do you part. Stress at home will be reflected in your work, but if you have support at home you will excel at work.
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Again keep the posts coming.
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I agree. Just remember gotta sharpen the saw. She runs a Title Office. We discuss management issues occasionally, but wokr stays there. The best is her family farms. So on weekends I get to be the guy that drives around and does what he is told, but is incredibly handy at fixing anything. Ahh, usefulness without performing supervision.
The problem you will find is that as a talented Engineer you believe that your job defines you. NO, you define you. Take your passion to a new level. To stay sane a friend of mine in the adhesives world has a private company that consults...Only fly fishing things. He developed innovative devices and cleaners and scents...Same field, selfish innovation.
I think your best bet is to live outside the box, that is why you see so many of us with spouses of different fields, they compliment us (gloriously), they make us pull our head out of the tech and live a life, take vacations, play with the kids and other GOOD things. It is another friends #1 rule for Eningeers....GET A LIFE AWAY FROM HERE!
Anyhoo dirt...You love her, then love her all the time, buy flowers every week and have fun.
TC All...PanelGuy
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On the theme of things I do during the week and how they relate to my family/wife...
I work 50 hours per week. This provides US (not ME, very important to remember that) with the money we need.
I play football (soccer) on Thursday night, I go for a solo cycle on Monday night. These are both for me and my health.
I go for a cycle with my eldest son on Saturday mornings. I play with all three children on Saturday. This day provides me with all the solace I need for that 50 hours of work. (There is nothing in the world as fun as pushing toy cars, attending dolly tea parties or online gaming)
Each week night I arrive home from work, listen to the childrens descriptions of their day, mediate arguments and disagreements that require the patience of Job, eat a family dinner, play, read stories and spend an hour telling my kids to go to sleep, and finally enjoy an hour on the couch together with my wife. And then sleep as soundly as I can.
On Tuesday and Thursday my wife goes to the gym. This is her time. There is normally a long chat with her friends afterwards I am told.
Sunday is always time for the soul and our friends
These are the ingredients of my life. They work for me, and so far seem to make me happy. How does this all relate to the OP? They make me happy, and that in turn ensures that my marraige is happy......
PS We did one of Cosmo's tests last night (guess who's ides that was) and it turns out we are a 'smoking' couple. Approval from Cosmo, what more could our marraige ask for....LOL
Kevin
“It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class." ~Author Unknown
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." ~Author Unknown
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A green thought..."We don't inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children." (unknown)
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If you "heard" it on the internet, it's guilty until proven innocent. - DCS
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Regards,
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RE: Marriage and Work!
What's the difference?
Men: Respect your wives and
Women: Love your husbands
Seems to same to me! Or is it OK to not respect your wife? (!!!)
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Ask your wife if she wants you to say "I love you" more often or "I respect what you do" and see what her answer is...
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Hg
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But seriously, do you get warm and fuzzy inside when your wife says I love you - or would you rather she told you how much of a stud you are for fixing the plugged toilet?
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One thing I learned from this is I shouldn't complain about my job or coworkers to my girlfriend. I do that way to much.
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Every once in a while I let the world see a bit of me and its nice that it's appreciated.
Kevin
“It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class." ~Author Unknown
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." ~Author Unknown
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Enlightened self interest goes a long way for me. If I want to be happy, it is important to do what I can to support the people that I care for (spouse, family, friends and colleagues). I cannot abandon my own happiness for that of another - my wife will not be happy if I am always unhappy - so I must also preserve my own independence and take time for my own interests.
I learned early on to leave work at work. It just came natural to me - probably because I have so many other interests.
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Lots of companies talk about the importance of family; typically, they mean, 'your family is important as long as they let you work 80-100 hrs/wk'. Any place that requires people to work that much has staffing issues. I don't need that crap. As I learned in my first engineering summer job, from the mine maintenance planner: 'I had a job before this one, and I'll have a job after this one.'
I work hard, I get results, I take work home when necessary, but there are limits. My wife and family are more important to me than my job. I pity those who feel otherwise. You either need a different job or a different family.
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It's 150:150
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The problem is that the corollary to that statement is : Happy husband, happy life... it just doesn't rhyme so it doesn't get said.
If two people work hard to make the other person happy it doesn't matter what the world throws at you.
For those keeping score, we're an engineer-teacher relationship.
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csd
RE: Marriage and Work!
However, just cause Mama is happy in no way guarantees anyone elses happyness.
She may be happy because you're the one clearing the blocked drain not her...
Engineer-Social Worker
KENAT, probably the least qualified checker you'll ever meet...
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Engineer-Marketing Director
(If she gets comission, she'll pass me in pay)
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Regards,
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Yeah, that one lasted 11 months. At some point in my career I need to say no to a project.
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Del Griffith - "Like your work, love your wife."
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Tain't that, the corollary is
TTFN
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RE: Marriage and Work!
That was it! I immediately went home, called and asked him when he was going to finally get around to taking me out now that he had completed his assigned dating tasks. He suggested that Friday, asked me where I wanted to go and I said the symphony-but only if I could cook him dinner. He asked me to marry him Sunday (within 48 hours). Mind you I had not met his parents, his children, his ex, etc. I only knew I loved this man and couldn't live without him (this was before the first kiss).
It hasn't always been easy. I quit my job after 3 years to raise his children and honestly became very jealous of his work-he would spend 8 hrs a day as an ME followed by the next 8 hours working on his invention (even bring his calculator/TI computer to bed-it would be 2:00 am and tape would be all over the floor with sheets and sheets of complicated math computations spread everywhere).
When he started spending more time at the office with his secretary than at home with me and the kids, I decided that perhaps I needed to make myself a little more valuable to him as a wife and life partner instead of just being a great mother for the kids and having dinner on the table.
I typed all of his patent applications (we're talking hundreds and hundreds of pages), learned construction to help with job inspections and as a surprise taught myself to play chess and took golfing lessons to make sure that we had shared interests.
18 years later we are still working together and would not have it any other way. I've come to appreciate the integrity that exists in the engineering field; gotten him involved in NSPE (I even catered every board meeting-we had record attendance) and we are happy.
Shared experiences-his concession-he doesn't complain too much when I bring our miniature macaw to the office once a week-even if she screams "Honey" when she sees him walking down the hall!
I say include your wife in your business.
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Engineer - Nurse/Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
engphila
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To the original question... Personally I am not married because I think marriage hinders any type of career.
My mother, who is an engineer, earns much more than my father (who's not), and that pretty much killed that marriage.
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Our marriage is a partnership, not a competition to see whose career is more important, or who makes more money.
Our family is more important than our jobs, because in the end, that's what you leave as your legacy. Your kids. I'm fortunate to work for a group of people who also believe that family is important. I don't mind working at home in the evenings when necessary, that's why I have high speed wireless at home, but by the same token, if I have to take my daughter to a hockey practice in the afternoon, then I expect some reciprocity.
I don't see any value in being the guy in the casket, where the only visitors are co workers hoping they don't die at their keyboards, too.
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Timelord
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Back in your father's day, it was probably almost unheard of for a wife to out-earn her husband. Today, at least in "Western" educated society, a guy who can't handle making less money than his wife is basically just a macho jerk who you shouldn't be marrying anyway.
"Personally I am not married because I think marriage hinders any type of career."
Certainly not the case for men, but for women you may be right in some cases. However, I don't see women around me being held back by the fact that they're married, or even having children. Your mileage, of course, will vary. I just hate the thought that career is the only reason you haven't gotten married, and that you might be deliberately avoiding happiness in the name of career. Seems sad.
Hg, single because I just don't like people
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RE: Marriage and Work!
RE: Marriage and Work!
Money issues are divisive when there isn't enough money in the household. When both partners are mature enough to work together, then the money doesn't apply pressure one way or another. Too many people, in my experience, don't get to that stage of maturity, especially men. I do not know one other married male whose wife makes over 2x more than he does.
BTW, the hindrance to females should be obvious to everyone. Shame on anyone who doesn't get it. Hiring a female, in many employers' minds, instantly raises the prospect of "maternity-leave". Especially if she's married. That's a year of paid leave just when a young new hire is getting on her feet in the business. It's a fact of life, and these days employers really can't justify avoiding it.
To all the female engineers (female professionals of all stripes, in fact) out there: The real problem is society's inability to raise boys into men with mature attitudes.
To all the males out there: Grow up. If you think being the principal bread-winner is the way it's supposed to be, you don't realize you're missing something even better!
Steven Fahey, CET
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That's another thing.....maybe its just because I feel I'm in a happy marriage but, I find married life to be a piece of cake. Ppl say it takes so much work, and I don't really see that. 'Course I don't have kids yet....
A good thing about being married to another engineer is he doesn't mind when I have to work a ton of overtime because, he's working it too. :)
Also, I think its interesting that me and my husband very rarely fight, but when we were lab partners in college I think ever report ending in a shouting match.
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It's not fair, but fundamentally, it's not anyone's fault.
It's the great engineer in the sky that made us that way...
Steven Fahey, CET
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Maybe some of us won't.
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Hmm I wasn't aware that men were unable to take care of children for the first 18 years of life. I'll have to let the several I know who have done that that that's a possiblity.
Now, if you want to talk sexism, talk to men who stay home with kids (grin).
SLH
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This was on a site were there were there had been only males amongts the engineers.
Guess which one that vent on "maternity" leave first?
It was the male.
So nowdays there isn't much of a difference.
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Me. Now you do. I prefer not to call him a house husband though - he is a stay at home dad.
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I married an English Major and Librarian by education (she is now a stay at home mom with her own thriving home based business).
While she would laugh at me and deny this, I feel my grammar and writing skills have significantly excelled due to her influence, and I really do apply her organizing skills in my daily work life. I tend to let the organizing slip at home.
Tom