malapropism
malapropism
(OP)
A M/E relayed a story to me about an email at a DOD facility.
A rather large co-worker replied to a Colonels question with an email
He began the Email ...
Sir,
I have two asses.......
Umm no-one take offense I'm a little heavy myself---I can't help but laugh every time I think about it though!
Don't axe me what a malapropism means





RE: malapropism
You are correct, no one should take a fence or um bridge, were would we be?
RE: malapropism
Bill
RE: malapropism
The man with "two asses" is the one you don't want to sit next to in an aeroplane.
Bill
RE: malapropism
This should be discussed on a yearly basis - at the anal meeting!
Anal (Annual) was an actual typo sent out some time ago by a colleague where I work, sent to all, thought it fits quite well here.
RE: malapropism
"... and the injector just flicks open."
Unfortunately the handwriting was a bit curly and the "li" in "flicks" was typed as a "u". We thought the revised description was actually quite accurate. The boss didn't when he proof read it.
RE: malapropism
There is the one where a receptionist was trying to inform IT about a full hard drive, "not enough disc space" was meant to be the message but "not enough d*ck space” came out.
Probably an urban myth but still makes me laugh.
RE: malapropism
RE: malapropism
If asses was meant to be asks:
Some UK programs that would come across somewhat different
Ass me another (Ask me another)
Ass Aspel (Ask Aspel)
RE: malapropism
RE: malapropism
I used the slang 'gonna' in it, refering to a decision my boss was gonna make.
Spell check didn't like this and changed it to 'gonad'. Sadly only after I'd clicked ok and send this I notice this.
My wife now thinks my boss lets his reproductive organs make decisions.
RE: malapropism
I'd really rather not see anyone else's naked burdens, thanks...
And she's a legal secretary!!! She doesn't usually make mistakes like that!
RE: malapropism
While they probably used spell checker on their letters, the senders apparently never thought to check their envelope address.
My collection included envolopes addressed to "Duck Power", Dupe Power", Duke Powder" and quite a few more, some of which I couldn't even figure how they arrived at the mistake such as the worst; Fuke Porew".
RE: malapropism
RE: malapropism
I think the likely explanation is a very lousey typist who didn't check their work. I arrive at this because the "F" is ajacent to the "D", and the "rew" are 3 ajacent letters on the keyboard typed in reverse of what should have been.
At least thats the only rational explaination I could imagine, and being such a lousy typist myself it didn't seem too far fetched.
RE: malapropism
...although he may have been trying to assess either his double wide bum OR his two beasts of burden...
RE: malapropism
· “I just would like to know what is on top of your head before we start the next meeting”
· “I definitely don’t want to spin our tails while we are waiting for calculations”
· “The Division Manager wants this work scope wrapped up in a pretty little box”
· Yes, ten piping specs. However, six of them are "boiling plate" information on installation, leak testing, welding, gaskets, etc.
· They keep turning up and down the oven on this project.
· “Don’t complicate the water”…translation..unknown
· “I just wanted to make sure that we covered our avenues.”
· Those who have worked with me before know that I like to begin at the starting point.
· The ozzlet and notlets needs to be modified. (assumed translation..nozzles and outlets)
· It would be a “lot” better to provide them (the plant) with what they need than to give them something they don’t want. Comment: That is years of experience talkin’!
· We need to make sure that specifications are specified to the contractor.
· During a conference call speaking with off-site colleagues…
”Hello (Insert name) this is D^2”.
The caller responds… “Hello D^2”.
D^2 returns the communication by asking; “Hi, are you there?”
Caller: “Yes, I’m here”
D^2: “OK, you ready?”
Caller: “Yes, I’m ready”
D^2: “OK, can you hear me?”
· I’m going to be doing assistance for the assistant manufacturing manager. Basically, I’ll just be assisting him.
· I’m really “shooting from the chest” on this one.
· “That’s putting the dog before the horse”.
· “Those guys drum to a different beat”.
· “My gut tuition says that this is a bad thing”.
· I’ve been “chomping at the butt” to get that information.
· There is no truthage in that statement.
· I do not know how knit picking your boss is about stuff like that.
· The extrathermonic reaction caused the vessel to get overpressured.
· I don't want to put the horse in front of the cart.
· I don't mean to step on anyone's thunder, but…
· I remember that because I have a photogenic memory.
· I feel "Peachy Clean" today.
· While interrupting a conversation…"I don't want to be rude so I won't cut you short but I have another meeting that has already started".
· We need to get up to speed on how fast we need to get this done.
· I don't want to be the bad news bear but the scope is changed again. (Bearer of bad news maybe?)
· We need to do some out-of-the cube thinking.
· That is a "duck tape" fix. (quack)
· Those issues are totally "out of my hairs".
· Forgive me, I’m just thinking out of the top of my brain.
· I definitely don’t want to be the escaped goat for this.
· You’ll need to do a time estimate of how long it will take you to estimate the time you’ll need to complete the project.
· I’ve spent my whole day working on that this morning.
· If things go good, the project will be cheaper. If things go bad, it will cost more. “Economics 001.”
· I could do that in a blink of a hat.
· My descendants originate from Germany.
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This is normally the space where people post something insightful.
RE: malapropism
"Shift Manager male/female...."
Sadly, the HR department omitted the "f" in the first word.
You could hear a loud roar as the email was opened around the site! My office is next to the HR office and the poor girl who sent it out came out looking rather sheepish and crimson of the cheeks..
RE: malapropism
Believe it or not, it hasn't been firmly established whether "duck tape" or "duct tape" came first.
Is D^2 a native speaker of English? If so, that's pretty impressive...
Hg
Eng-Tips policies: FAQ731-376
RE: malapropism
Guy who owns the company always uses the expression
'In all fairity' (we all presume he means fairness, although my father swears than the word is alien to him)
Funny bit is, no one has the b*lls to correct him.
Kevin Hammond
Mechanical Design Engineer
Derbyshire, UK
RE: malapropism
"This is just one of the many articles about the massage oil spill that happened last week. This report is from 6/23, so it is not a recent report, but it shows the map of the spill. It is now estimated 3.1 million gallons have been spilled."
The emphasis is not in the original article. I know she meant “massive”. You probably know she meant “massive”. But “massage” is what went out to every employee in the company.
That's a LOT of massage oil...
old field guy
RE: malapropism
one guy came up with all that ... you should collaborate with Scott Adams (Dilbert), or maybe the writers of "The Office" ... demand royalities !
RE: malapropism
RE: malapropism
I actually had one of my own the other day:
"He sang in stiletto", ...should have been falsetto! No, the guy was not wearing high heals or into a dagger.
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This is normally the space where people post something insightful.
RE: malapropism
controlnovice,
After reading through your post I feel so inadequate! Some of those are really funny.
My only contribution is from a real estate ad for a house that advertised it's best features including an all-new granite kitchen and large outdoor d!ck (deck) for entertaining.
I kept that one up on my partition for awhile.
"If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance!"
RE: malapropism
RE: malapropism
I worked (briefly) for a moron who told his staff "You should anticipate whatever I want and have it ready for the next meeting". This idiot was actually moved to VP of Engineering thanks to the good old boy network... when the parent company found out, he was booted out the door.
I agree with Cass... feeling a bit inadequate after ControlNovice !
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.