Wrightism's
Wrightism's
(OP)
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
3- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
4- Half the people you know are below average.
5- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
7- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
8- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
10- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
11- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
13- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
14- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
15- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
16- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
18- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is, research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your Headlights work?
2- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
3- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
4- Half the people you know are below average.
5- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
7- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
8- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
10- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
11- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
13- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
14- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
15- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
16- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
18- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is, research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your Headlights work?
FOETS
Social Drinker with a Golfing Problem





RE: Wrightism's
Kevin Hammond
Mechanical Design Engineer
Derbyshire, UK
RE: Wrightism's
Kevin Hammond
Mechanical Design Engineer
Derbyshire, UK
RE: Wrightism's
RE: Wrightism's
-Two wrongs don't make a right. Three rights, however, make a left.
And I forget who said this (hopefully someone here can refresh my memory) but the three keys to happiness are:
-Never eat at a place called "Mom's"
-Never play cards with a man named "Doc"
-And never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself
John Nabors
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
RE: Wrightism's
Unfortunately you don't find out just how crazy they are until after you have slept with them!
I think Wright is crazy. What he says makes perfect sense if you really think about it. So which one of my friends do you think is not crazy!
RE: Wrightism's
42. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
43. I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
44. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
45. Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
46. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
47. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
48. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
49. "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
50. My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
51. My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
52. Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 miles per hour, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
53. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
54. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
55. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
56. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
57. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
58. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
59. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
60. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
61. What’s another word for Thesaurus?
"Art without engineering is dreaming; Engineering without art is calculating."
Have you read FAQ731-376 to make the best use of Eng-Tips Forums?
RE: Wrightism's
-Never play cards with a man named "Doc"
-And never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself "
I first read it in a science fiction book by Robert Heinlein, don't know if it was original to him though.
RE: Wrightism's
63. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
64. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
65. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
66. Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
67. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
68. How young can you die of old age?
69. I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it
70. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
71. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
72. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
73. I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
74. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
75. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
76. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
77. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
78. I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
79. I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
80. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
81. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
82. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
83. Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
84. So, do you live around here often?
85. The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
86. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
87. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
88. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
RE: Wrightism's
http://
Regards,
Mike
RE: Wrightism's
Stephen Argles
Land & Marine
www.landandmarine.com
RE: Wrightism's
RE: Wrightism's
Is that the guy with the fez?
B.E.
RE: Wrightism's
Cheers
Greg Locock
Please see FAQ731-376 for tips on how to make the best use of Eng-Tips.
RE: Wrightism's
"Just like that ahhhh haaaa"
Fez and bad magic tricks. They just don't make them like that anymore.
RE: Wrightism's
These are definitely some of Tommy Coopers
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, 'Do you earn a living doing that?'. He said, 'Yes, this my livelihood'.
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
FOETS
Social Drinker with a Golfing Problem
RE: Wrightism's
"Art without engineering is dreaming; Engineering without art is calculating."
Have you read FAQ731-376 to make the best use of Eng-Tips Forums?
RE: Wrightism's
RE: Wrightism's
Thankyou. You have no idea how much I needed some Tommy Cooper jokes.
I tried giving you lots of stars but I'm not sure it let me.
You have done this disgruntled young engineer, and by inference his colleagues, a big favour.
Ken
RE: Wrightism's
I'll say no more
Kevin Hammond
Mechanical Design Engineer
Derbyshire, UK